i'm not good enough

This is the first time i'm writing blog in english,the simple reason is that my english command has been suspected tens times whether to have come up to a law student's standard.It is undeniable that merely by taking the LLB course required good command of english in order to ease unnecessary burdens.The point is that judges who are classified as repected men,living in Ivory tower,would likely to present themselves well in the sense of writing lengthy and techinical judgments.Only in judgments,they found their pride is being taken care of,so,as lawyers and law students,we are compulsory to analyse the judgments from every single words to pages and to pieces up to hundreds.Ghosh,sometimes really feel might as well to burn it.

I admit it that i'm not good in verbally,not fluently,or rather say bad.I realised it,i knew it,i'm embarrased of it sometimes.However,it doesnt defeat my determination to study law.I love to argue (eventhough normally in class i always keep quiet),i love to stuy law!So far,with my limited command of english language,i'm able to understand the law although i need to read more times than others.As far as syllbus is concerned,i face no serious problem to present my arguements as well,all that are worded in english.

With a good command of english does help,but it only helps to make good on the face of paper,it does not represent strong identity in substance.By fashioning weak arguements to strong one with good english command cannot stand long in this field,in the end of the day,what others looking at is whether do you have strong stands and do u believe in what you are writing,do you believe in what you are presenting or rather say arguing.Confidence is what a lawyer should have,simply because customers will believe in you only when u believe in yourself in the first place.

I alway believe that by looking into your loved one's eyes,there is a reflection of yourself,it's important for me to check and balance myself.Now,i know that in NiuNiu's eyes,i'm no longer the one i used to be or rather say supposed to be.I may not be a good boyfriend as compared to your exboyfriend,i may not be like him willingly to learn everywhere and from anyone to improve english language.Indeed,i know that u meant not to compare me to him but i'm a human being who longing love,longing care...

In my life,i have gone through many obstacles,but i rely on no one but myself,all by myself....
i'm from Sibu where may be to some people,considering it as a small town which in fact it is,i did not bother my parents' objections,i chose KL as my destiny,law as the beginning,regardless how difficult it is,how depressed i have been,i want to tell you this,although i might not be good as anyone out there,i'm here,in fact i'm going to tell you that i know what am i doing,why am i studying law,where i'm beloging to,how am i going through my life in which i'll survive in irrespect of any fucking damn shit things out there.

I'm here,i fell down before,i stood up again,i'm standing still right here and this is the truth,the proof that i may not be the best man but i'll be a better man day to day!

被质疑的爱

'牛牛,你觉得现在的Tiger仔是真心的爱你吗?' Tiger仔问道.
'我心里知道你不是因为爱我而爱我的' 醉熏熏的牛牛回答.

轰的一声,余震回旋在Tiger仔的脑海里...
Tiger仔无言以对,专心驾着车...
凌晨三点多了,一辆车里有着两个世界...

'那你觉得我爱你是因为你的条件咯?'
'我感觉你爱我不只是因为我有条件,而是综合总总的因素,如果我没有这样的条件,你和我从一开始就不会在一起,不是吗?'
'也许吧...那你对我好不是因为我爱你,是吗?那是为了什么?'
'我对你好是因为我爱你而不是因为你爱我才对你好的,这样也好,至少如果有一天你不要我了,你不会很伤心,毕竟你爱我不是因为爱我而爱我的...'
Tiger仔沉默了...

如果牛牛觉得Tiger仔不是因为爱他而爱他的话,为什么还要在一起呢?为什么还要对Tiger仔这么好呢?这样的爱情难道不是很虚伪吗?
一对恋人在一起,为着彼此付出却不是因为爱彼此而爱彼此的,而是因为对方的条件才爱对方的,好讽刺啊!

Tiger仔承认也许牛牛没有现在的条件,Tiger仔可能根本不会考虑和牛牛有任何的发展,可试问,上天让我们在茫茫人海中有机会认识对方时,原本双方都有一定的条件了,为何却还执着于条件是否存在的因素呢?以前的Tiger仔不是并不在乎对方是否有条件才取决是否和任何人有任何发展可能性,而是当Tiger仔认识'男孩','老爷'和'相公'时,他们的条件就是如此,Tiger仔接受的是那时站在他眼前的人,接受他的条件,接受他的一切.如今牛牛的条件和他们的条件的确是有悬殊,可并不表示Tiger仔爱的是牛牛的条件啊!分明就是要考验如果牛牛没优秀的条件时Tiger仔对他的爱...

好苛刻啊!
对一个人的爱被质疑,
真的好伤心...

如果说Tiger仔对牛牛的爱是因为有条件的因素存在,试问在牛牛之前所谓真正的爱情中,对方没有丝毫因为他的条件而受影响吗?
为何对Tiger仔的要求有所不同?为何要执意要Tiger仔在不受任何因素的干扰下去证明对牛牛的爱?

为何爱要证明?

'你要我对你的好是有增无减的,一旦少了一样都不行,而你对之前他们对你的好却显然不在意,多了当然是好,相对的少了却无所谓.'牛牛说

也许牛牛说的对吧!
Tiger仔对每个人都要求都不一样,也许不公平,也许不合理...
扪心自问,Tiger仔对牛牛的好绝不逊色于'男孩','老爷'和'相公'...

牛牛的不谅解是Tiger仔的无能,怨不得谁...
Tiger仔就只能在这小小的空间里宣示他小小的抗议....
希望有一天牛牛会明白Tiger仔对他的爱是无庸置疑的...

当Tiger仔爱上牛牛...

如往常般地来到了牛牛的家,习惯性地躺在他家里的那套沙发上,随意地哼着歌,依旧地望着他的背影,不以为然地偷偷地暗笑...

笑是甜的,心是暖的...

要不是身上散发出一股酸味,我真的还舍不得离开那张沙发.
看着那两把牙刷紧紧地依隈着对方躲在杯子里,杯子旁放着洗手液,洗手液瓶的表面有只似虎如猪手的画,是牛牛的'杰作',有时真的受不了他那无敌地'无聊',真的不能想象他在画那只手时心里想象的是什么画面,有什么对白,对我的反应有什么期望...无聊透顶了啦!不过,想到他在画'虎猪手'(他取的名)时的表情,忍不住笑了出来,傻瓜,真的是个傻瓜.

与他的相遇没有像在爱情电影里那浪漫的邂逅,和他相恋没有那般的惊天动地,喊爹哭娘地,没有汹涌的澎湃,没有雷电交加地激情,只有像'阿旺'般那样傻傻地,笨笨地,纠缠中彼此秉持自己的理念,相互摩擦下,才磨出一段唯美的爱情.

22岁的生日庆幸有他,虽然有遗憾,却是遗憾美.
他的生日,我庆幸能为他下厨,虽然不好吃,却是我的一番心意.

圣诞时庆幸有他,虽然相隔两地,却在心里挂念着他.
倒数时庆幸有他,虽然没大肆地庆祝,却在车上一起看烟花.

习惯了他的陪伴,习惯了他味道,习惯了他的拥抱,习惯了他眼神,一切的一切都习惯了.
开始害怕,害怕他有一天的离开...
开始担心,担心他有一天让别人占据我的习惯...

抱他时用力了,吻他时加温了,心为他跳时加快了,争执时控制脾气了,关心他时温柔了,想他时哭了...

看着他似乎每一天默默地加重了他在我心中的分量,当我焕然时,原来他在我心中已经筑造了他的王国,外头的人只能在远处遥望却没办法近尺细看,因为王国里的主人是霸王主义者,不只霸占了我的心,还筑建了高塔,每分每秒都对那些纯纯欲动的竞争者示威,好让他们适可而止,不敢再踏进一步,要不然后果自负.

就这样我被他占领了,懦弱的我企盼着他的忠诚,虽然遥不可及,却心甘情愿地去奢望...